It’s OK, I wouldn’t choose me either.
Honestly I was right. Fuck this.
no matter
once apon a time there was a girl and no matter what she did. it was not good enough.
no matter how many time she went to the gym. or cut out calories. or took supplements. she would not lose weight.
no matter how much mae up she put on. or how many new clothes she got. or how she wore her hair. she would not look any prettier.
no matter what she did a boy would not look her way.
no matter how much homework she did. or how much she studied. she would still not get above a C.
no matter how many people she text to hang out. or invite to her birthday party. or sit with at lunch. she will still feel like she has no friends.
no matter how many doctors she talks too. or how many new thing she tries. she will still not feel ok.
no matter how much she reads the bible. or how much she prays. she doenst see God changing her life.
no matter how funny people say she is. or how much people laugh at her. she still feels like a sarcastic bitch.
no matter how many people tell her, im here to talk when ever you need it. she still feels alone.
no matter, how many times she tells herself none of the thing above are true. she will always feel worthless. and not good enough.
birthday
mine is comming up. to be honest i wish today was may 17. the would mean i wouldnt have to worry about my birthday for another 364 days. most people love thier birthday. not me. not in the slightest. family always ask me what i want. i dont want anything. i have everything i need.
it terrifys me that i will go to school and no one will bring me a card. or a cake. or a balloon. i dont need these material things. but it would be nice. it would be nice to see that my friends actually rember me. i doubt any oh my friends will rember my birthday.
im afraid to have a birthday party or dinner because im afriaid no one will come. or if they do i dont think anyone would talk to me. they will be on their phones or talking to their best friend. i dont was going to take all my friends to bjs. and get all cute. and wear heals. and just girly stuff. as the birthday girl i should be the cutiest. that only works when well when your not me. i will still be the widest. i will still not be able to wear what i want. and my friends will still get all the attention. i think i might just call it off… but i havent even told any of my friends.. on account of im to afraid they will say they already have plans.
but i dont want to spend my birthday alone. again
There is so much evil in this world. I don’t get how we can just sit and watch it.
Dieing children. But thank God u have the iPhone 4s.
Sex trafficking. Don’t worry, a new LV purse is a must.
Starving family’s. And you have a special diet to watch your weight. It must be really difficult having too much food around you.
People dieing from lack of proper medine and medical attention. But don’t worry you have a medical card so u can legally buy marijuana.
We live in a sick sick world. And where I live, OC California, in my opinion is even sicker. We are so selfish. There are so many countless horrible things happening all over the world, and yet we just turn our heads away from them. As if were above it. We need to do something about this. But to be honest I’m not sure where to start.
we all see that girl or boy at school.
the one we can just tell is unsatisfied with themselfes. maybe we dont all see the them maybe it takes one to know one. ill be honest. ive been there. where your walking around school, and when you do decide to look up from the unbroken eye contact with the ground, you ask yourself why yoour still here. you dont think that school will help you amount to anything. because you dont feel your good enough for anything or anyone.
sooooo many wonderful people feel like this. i feel it is because modern society tells us everything is about us. not us as a whole but us and in just youself. as long as your happy and you feel good that day. then everything is ok. but feel if you take just one minute to stop thinking about yourself and your needs you will see that, there are people around you that are in so much pain.
its easy took look away and move on with your day. or even to say they bring it apon themselfs, for what ever reason. they areunlovable.mathew 5:46 say to ‘love theunlovable’.God calls on us to love them and be that friend and light for them. give them a reason to smile and to go home and tell their parents that their day was good.
BE THE LIGHT. becuase we are all called to.
Suicide.
“AP exams are coming up. I’m gunna kill myself” ” I have two test in one day.just kill me already” Honestly shut up. Suicide is the number one killer among teens. So does thar make it right to joke about when our lives get a little tough? Because I don’t think it is right, not in the slightest. A life is one of thee greatest gifts we revive, if not the greatest. stop saying those words. Because our words are our greatest weapon. And u never know how someone receives them.
I think of our relationship as a rose. A stunning rose you find deep in the forest. When you pick this rose you can not look away from its beauty, u don’t even notice the other roses.you just walk trusting your feet to keep you from tripping because you will not look away from the rose. But as your walking the path get a little harder to walk on. So u find your self tightening your fist around the rose. Only to be supprised by the thorn that just poked your hand. But you look past the broken skin because after all it was your fault that you held the rose too tight. But when you thought the path would get easier you were wrong. It get more and more difficult. So you squeeze the stem tighter and tighter your hand is dripping blood. Drops cover your steps. Your hand is shaking from the pain. But silent tears roll down your face because you don’t want to acknowledge what’s clearly happening. You sit and rest a while. Place the rose on the ground. wrap a white cloth around your hand. To keep it from bleeding out. You think everything is OK so you pick up the rose again and continue to walk deeper and deeper into the forest. You feel pressured to keep this rose safe so you start to run. You feel blood run down your forearm. You didn’t even know your hand was bleeding again. running and bleeding. You loose vision. Not even knowing if your on the path still. Your scare, your trying with everything in your body to hold onto the rose. Your arm is dark red. You trip.and fall hard. The rose goes flying and falls into a near by stream. And floats off. As of that’s all it wanted. The rose. didn’t. even. need. you. You look up. Your lost. Not a clue where you are. Your lost. And alone. You want to cry but you know no one will hear. Cuz your lost.
Write. Erase. Type type type. Backspack. Write write write. Through away. Type type type type type type type. ’ save as draft?’ No. Type. Delete. Type. Delete. Type. Delete. Type, post it, common no one is even going to read it. Delete.
Why do I continue this battle with myself.
i have a confession
i just made this tumblr. i made it so i can write, cuz thats what i love and i hope someday i can change the world with my words. and i have all these amamzing things i want to write about, in my head. but then when i finally type them out and i read them to my self nothing seems right. its not at all what was in my head. so i just end up deleting them. i am afriad to let people read what i have to say because what if what i write isnt good at all? or what if someone reads what i have to say and thinks its just b.s. for attention or something. or what if they dont get what i have to say. and everything on here will be extremly personal, so dont twist my words. idk i might have to delete account all together cuz iam a pussy. but if i dont and u read my stuff. just. bare with me.
thanks
